HOW DID MY ANXIETY/PANIC/DEPRESSION START?
In a nutshell, my genetics, physical pain, and life events.
Genetics – Down the line on my mother’s side, much of my family has or had either depression, anxiety, panic disorder, schizophrenia, or a combination of them.
Physical Pain – I injured my knees, toes, back, and pulled my hamstring from dancing ballet 5 times a week plus production rehearsals and shows by age 16. I finally quit because the pain. Not being able to continue as a dancer gave me extreme sadness. To see that all my other friends were somehow fine, and I was too fragile and weak to keep dancing.
From lack of physical activity, my digestive system suffered. So I was bedridden often in my junior year of high school, and was constantly at the doctor.
They said “you’re gluten intolerant.”
And then, “No, you’re just lactose intolerant.”
And then, “Nope, you’re both!”
They might as well have said “Congratulations it’s a boy!”
-_-
But seriously, the struggle with my stomach lasted for a whole year. I lost a ton of weight, and I was already tiny to begin with. I ended up being 5’4” 100 pounds. I remember when my stomach was so bad, it was PAIN just to get off the couch and grab the TV remote. Sometimes I just wouldn’t even try, and just sat there watching a blank screen. I developed extreme anxiety from my stomach problems. I was always having panic attacks because of the pain.
More recently, I injured my neck so severely, I was unable to move it in any direction, or swallow/talk/sing well. Being in physical pain made me feel hopeless, like I would never again be able to run, jump, laugh and feel happy “like everyone else.” It was also FREAKING SCARY to almost choke on food, having to really concentrate to swallow water, and needing to be propped upright to sleep or else I would choke.
Life events, substance abuse, body-image issues – Many events that happened as a child triggered panic for me as a teenager. Also, the fact that I felt like I never fit in at school led to substance abuse and body-image issues.
WHEN DID I RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM AS ANXIETY/DEPRESSION
My junior of high school. I was 16. It got to the point that I was having panic attacks every night, and eventually got them multiple times in a day. I’d shake, hyperventilate, hallucinate, cry, scream, pull my hair, cut my ankles, thighs, and arms. The attacks could last for a few minutes, or for hours. Panic attacks drained me, kept me from completing my homework, didn’t let me focus on anything, didn’t let me sleep, and made me lose my appetite. Life was becoming unbearable and I really just wanted to stay numb forever on drugs or die.
WHEN DID I START TO FEEL BETTER
My senior year of high school. I was 18. I visited a counselor once at a summer camp at Calarts and decided to never see a counselor EVER again. She had recommended I take a pill everyday to feel better. Why would I want to take a pill when I was already popping other pills, drinking, and smoking? I was determined to find another way. A natural and cheaper way than paying to vent to a counselor when I could just vent to my friends, write in my journal, or write songs, and cheaper than paying for pills for the rest of my life.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME
Well you see, it’s been a process to retrain my brain, to learn to relax in stressful situations, and not panic.
The 1st time I tried to end my attacks, the cure was being sober + yoga + eating/sleeping well and on time. It took MONTHS of keeping this routine to feel better, but that is all it took to clear my thoughts, put my life into perspective, and calm my mind for a solid year.
OBSTACLES I FACED – MY HEALING PROCESS
But then I became sad because I wasn’t writing anymore songs. I realized all my song-writing had been sad or angry. I was so happy, I had to learn to write happy songs. This obstacle flung me back into depression.
But I easily dug myself out of that ditch because, well, I learned to write about other struggles besides my panic attacks.
My happiness created eagerness and new ideas were constantly blooming in my brain. I wanted to do all of my goals. I ended up having two jobs, going to college at CSUN full time as a Music Major and Journalism Minor, was in charge of a series of shows that occurred once a month, was in a band called GrowYoung rehearsing once a week and playing shows on the weekends, and had a boyfriend.
All of those goals that once seemed so beautiful and amazing became scary and destructive. I began to have panic attacks in class, just as I did all the time in high school, but this time, I would scratch my arms until there were cuts and rashes during tests. My band became a stress instead of fun. I was yelled and cussed at often so it felt unsafe to be at practice. You’d think the boyfriend would be that one stable thing to get you through life, but, he was just as much a mess as I was. You can’t be stability for someone, if you yourself are not stable. I ended up directing all panicking energy towards my boyfriend because he was the easiest target. I just always panicked about him, even if the problem at the moment wasn’t even him.
I knew I had to quit something…
So I quit everything. One by one, and started on a clean slate.
P.S.
I didn’t drop out of college. I took spring semester off to rethink, recover from my neck injury, and to try something new.
OBSTACLES I STILL FACE
I go back to school this Fall. I’m being very careful to not take on too many responsibilities as I did last year. So this time, I am just focusing on three things:
1. Journalism Major – I switched my majors!
2. Yoga – I’m taking my 300 Hour Training at YogaWorks in August and will still be teaching
3. This project – The Strange is Beautiful – So you all can see my journey and know that I am not perfect, that as humans we will always face bumps in our life, but as long as we keep pushing through and don’t lose hope, we will find bliss again.
So I will be finding out what obstacles I face. I currently feel perfectly fine, but it took quitting EVERYTHING to feel good again.
Wish me luck to maintain my mental health! I know if I stay true to eating/sleeping on time and exercising during school that I will stay at peace.
P.S.
Some of the new things I tried this semester was traveling by myself to Portland/Sequim/Seattle, blogging, and recording with a professional producer :)