Dear Feminine Bae with a Mind Obstacle,
Your Bae is not your therapist, Bae is your Bae. If you treat your Bae like your therapist, you will lose your Bae. Your Bae needs compassion and understanding toward your mental obstacle, but you need to have compassion and understanding towards the space that your Bae needs. Here’s how to practice space, or “non-attachment.”
If you are the one with a mind obstacle…let me tell you a story…
When I feel a tinge of depression beginning to cloud over me, I immediately want to call someone, or see someone – and this “someone” is definitely not “just a friend” – it’s the person I like or am dating. That poor, poor, soul gets to hear my sad tales night after night while my depressed mind is oblivious to the concept of time and honestly believes I haven’t talked to them in days and that every time I am sad it is a matter of life or death…
TRUE LOVE WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IT IS THE ONLY WAY !!!!
My relationships don’t last long once I get to the point of calling bae multiple times a day for “crises” dramatized by depression of my inner self and being. This is the point where I recognize I’ve fallen back into depression, but have no will power to help myself.
That is, until they break up with me…
Going to your Bae when you are out of balance only DELAYS your recovery. It’s like numbing out on alcohol or drugs. You become attached to this form of numb-therapy, and get stuck forgetting the next step is action-therapy; actively seeking new methods of relief.
Your Bae might at first think it’s super cute that you “need” them to make you feel better (or more accurately in their eyes of “fix you”), but it eventually will become an obstacle in your relationship that Bae might address in anger. “I CAN’T FIX YOU.” “WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SAD.” “YOUR MOOD SHIFTS LIKE CRAZY I DON’T GET IT.” And eventually, it will become the deal-breaker.
Tips for Feminine Bae with a Mental Obstacle
Address your issue with your Bae and THANK/APOLOGIZE to them for putting up with your hours of moody phone calls and hangouts. Ask them to just hang in there a bit longer as you slowly wean yourself away from running to your Bae – like a little kitty from it’s mommy’s milk – omg, cats – whenever you are sad.
Write down all the feelz that you wanted to call Bae about. If writing is NOT an option or makes you feel worse….
Busy yourself with something important: your passion, cooking, working out, helping your family, reading, actually doing your homework…there’s always something to do!!! It’s just a matter of having the will power to get up and do something, instead of looking for comfort in your Bae who definitely does not have the super-power of curing your mental obstacle with their I-love-you’s and you-are-beautiful’s.
Tally up the times when you run to Bae or to your BFF. Literally keep a calendar of all the times you run to your Bae for help. Everyday is too much. Every other day is too much. Once a week, twice a month, is a lot better. And eventually, not at all is the goal (when I get there I’ll let you know….lol). Notice everyday if you are laying on your depression thick for your Bae causing more negativity than positivity in your relationship. Notice everyday if you are destroying your relationship through “attachment.” (Read more about attachment here.)
Because I mean, OF COURSE your Bae wants to always answer your calls and hold you and wipe your tears away, because they’re crazy in love with you! But they’re only human, and hearing/feeling all that negativity will sink into their bodies and begin to make them feel funky too.
Personally, when I’m sad, I don’t let my Bae hold me. My mom actually taught me this one. I never understood why she would go to her room and cry by herself instead of my dad holding her until now. It is counter productive to let your Bae physically hold, hug, or wipe your tears away everytimeeee because you will get used to this reaction and expect it eeeeverytime. And when your Bae is not there, you will freak out and be even more sad (trust me, it’s happened a million times to me and I’ve only just this year learned.)
Let me tell you something, it SUCKS to deal with this shit on your own, and yeah, there are times when you doooo need someone to help you. If it’s occassionally, yes your Bae or your friend can be that person (occasionally meaning once a month or LESS). Seek the therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, support groups, or help-lines that you need because remember, your Bae is not your therapist, Bae is Bae <3.
