The title “It’s Not Real” reminds me of talking to myself during a panic attack, trying to convince myself that the negative images and thoughts spiraling in my head are not real. Contrary to the chaos and energy overload of a panic attack, Mable Ye‘s song is a chill, mellow and melancholy self-reflection. If you’re in need of existential crisis questions asked in a surprisingly calm way, this #SadcoreSundays song is for you.
Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with for…majority of my life. I think to an extent everyone feels lonely from time to time, but the intensity differs. Mine can get, uhh, bad. Since I was in third grade, my friends have either moved away, decided to not be my friend anymore, developed romantic feelings for me that they couldn’t separate from our friendship, stopped hanging out with me when I stopped playing shows (I used to organize music shows and play them too), didn’t want to deal with my mind obstacles anymore, or I had put too much on them to take care of me. A therapist at the Los Angeles LGBT Center’s Audre Lorde Health Program, Women’s Primary Care in West Hollywood explained that these consistent and repetitive events created a developmental trauma, and that is why the feeling of loneliness and loss for me can be unbearable. My fear of saying the phrase “best friend” out loud is synonymous to the intense fear Hogwarts wizards and witches have of saying “Voldemort” – except that instead of fearing that Voldemort will appear, I fear that my best friend will disappear. Anybody that called me their “best friend” I knew had signed our friendship death warrant.
Back in August 2018, Janette Ayub of Girl Underground Music invited me to play a benefit show as Cusi Coyllur to help keep families together who were separated due to Trump’s zero tolerance policy. After I performed, scarypoolparty went on and I fell in love with his fast finger-picking, soothing voice, and his song “Out Loud.” So much so that the next day, I learned it on piano and played it over and over again, adding vocal harmonies to it too.
Self-harm can become a habit that is difficult to stop. Below are two tips to help you replace it with a healthy, healing choice.
We want to photograph people with mind obstacles (that’s what we call mental illnesses) practicing alternative self-care authentically at their home, or space to show that self-care doesn’t require spending a lot of money, or wearing expensive clothes. It is a rebellion against capitalism and societal expectations that productivity always has to be making or spending money.