A year ago I made the decision to take a break from my relationship with my brother. I had reached a point where conversations with my brother became mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. Whenever we talked on the phone, I would hang up the phone feeling like I couldn’t be authentically myself. I couldn’t fully trust my brother and I didn’t feel completely supported by him.
My mamí always had fragrant cremas on her hands. She would put them on daily, always using them in the morning, before leaving for work. They came in these little round pastel bottles with gold and silver caps. As a girl I would play with the botellitas, stacking them, cutting circles of paper and using the cremas to make paper tortillas. Opening them all, I’d take a fingertip’s worth of each one and create a nauseating concoction. To this day, every time I smell one of these scents, I’m taken back to my mamí’s room. Like a snapshot, I see the crisply pulled linen across the bed. I feel the oscillating fan blowing the humid summer air through the room, and see the crocheted lace on every nightstand.
Loving myself has come to mean being compassionate to myself. To me, a big part of that is understanding that my mood and energy fluctuate, and that is okay. This chart helps me understand that some days are harder than others, and while I will have some days that make it impossible to feel love for myself, there will also be days that I fully love myself and can even love others with the overflow.
Damn straight I am.
This year my only resolution is to be kind to myself. Starting a new year comes with a lot of pressure to start over. It means starting a diet or workout regimen. It means quitting bad habits. It means reflecting on the shitty parts of yourself and forcing yourself to change them. I’m realizing my worst habit is being unkind to myself.
